Reality Check

Yesterday afternoon my former neighbor, Kristen, stopped by my house. I was in the shower, so I didn't hear her knocking, but she left a note saying that we needed to call her as soon as possible. I didn't think too much of it, because Paul and I were very good friends with Kristen and her husband Scott, and I knew that Kristen was frequently in the area. They were the best neighbors, and wonderful friends and we really miss having them right next door. In any case, I read the note, and called her back when I got out of the shower. She told me she was down the street at one of our other neighbors and asked if she could come over for a bit. After I told her she was always welcome, I asked if she was okay. She told me she had some bad news, but that she needed to tell me in person.

When she got to the house, she came in, sat down on the couch and told me that her husband, Scott, had passed away on Friday. My jaw dropped and I started crying. It seemed so out of the blue, and I was in total shock. Kristen is an amazing woman, and I can't even imagine what she is going through. She has an amazing support, and her friend even setup a website to help out. Scott was only 36, and I am still in shock.

No matter how often we say that life is a precious gift, it doesn't seem to be frequent enough. Life doesn't always make sense, and the only way to really survive the insanity seems to be to appreciate every day and every one you have. I know that I tend do get annoyed and frustrated (see post below) over little things in life. While I make no promises to end this all together (it seems to be in my nature) I know that I will work much harder before I get angry over something small.

Scott, you were and always will be an amazing guy. Paul and I are so lucky to have had you in our lives. Your smile and sense of humor were cherished gifts that will be missed by all who knew you.

Frustration

I am feeling very frustrated lately. You name it, it annoys me. I attribute a good portion to it to lack of sleep - I haven't slept more that 5 hours (6 if I take a sleeping pill, which I hate doing) in about 3 years. I'm also pretty fed up with life in general. Despite all the sappy posts, I don't think I really processed everything that has happened in the last month and a half. It may be hitting me harder than I expected, and I'm not expressing myself properly, which sucks for the people closest to me, because they are the ones that ending up taking the brunt of it.

I will say that being at work is actually a lot of fun. My youth group board is hilarious and they make me laugh and smile and feel really good about what I'm doing with my life. In any case, I'm waiting for things to take a turn for the better, which hopefully they will soon.

In other news, Paul and I are going to a halloween party and my cousins. Its the first time in the 10 years we've been together that we've gone to a halloween party... should be interesting :)

Shabbat Shalom

Everyone looks forward to Fridays, but this week, I was feeling particularly drained, and it was for sure a TGIF kind of day. As one of the kids in NFTY taught be BHIS - Baruch Hashem, its Shabbat. I can't imagine how this could have been more true. I was planning a quiet relaxing dinner with my mom (after I ended up working until 10 on thursday and accidentally forgot I was supposed to have dinner with her). At around 5, Jenny and Aaron called to invite me to Shabbat dinner. I thanked them for the invitation, but told them I had plans with my mom. And thats when Aaron proved that he can guilt just as well as the rest of the family. "Talk to Jackie" I heard him say from the back seat. So Jenny put the phone on speaker and handed it to him. "Hewwo Jackie" he said. "Hello Aaron." I replied. "Shabbat Shawome" he continued to which I responded "and Shabbat Shalom to you Aaron." And it was all downhill from there. "Jackie coming to Shabbat Shawome?" I again told him I was going to grammy's for dinner. "Peas Jackie coming to Shabbat Shawome?" He begged and pleaded and worked himself into a pretty good little tizzy over me not being able to come to Shabbat dinner.

Long story short, I went to "Shabbat Shawome." It was lovely, and Aaron cracked me up. He knew exactly what to do during the prayers, and was expecially excited for the challah.

Thanks, Jenny, for a lovely dinner and a fun evening.

Home Sweet Home

Fair warning - slighty mushy post below... but with the Jewish new year having just come, the day of atonement ahead and everything else, I feel its VERY warranted at this point.

Well, afer 5 nights in the hospital I am finally back at home. Last night was my first night in my own bed, and it was SO nice. I can't begin to explain how nice it is to not be attached to IV's and having a full night without people coming in every two hours to check your vitals and make sure you are still alive. Its been a long, strange week, but I think the worst is behind us.

I know I have said it many MANY times before, but I just can't express enough how fortunate I am. I guess things were pretty dicey for a little while, and while I remember that, its hard to see what everyone else sees when you are the one living through it... if that makes any sense at all. In any case, I have an exceptionally amazing, supportive and loving husband. The medical staff at Swedish hospital actually commented - repeatedly - on how wonderful he was, and, believe me, I know. I am so fortunate to have someone in my life who would literally do anything for me, and would give anything for my health and happiness. This is a man who takes his wedding vows seriously, and I will never EVER take that for granted. I love him with all my heart and can't imagine my life without him.

I also have a temendous mother who made time every day to spend time with me. Even if it was just to sit in my room and watch tv while I napped, she was there to bring a smile to my face. Even though she drove (and continues to drive) me nuts about eating when its the last thing I can even fathom, its all out of love. The truth is, there are very few people, if any, who love me more than she does. She is an incredibly strong woman, and I love her more than words can ever express.

I have a terrific sister and amazing little nephew. I am pretty sure that few moments made me smile as much as when Jenny and Aaron dropped by for a visit. Aaron toodled in with a GINORMOUS bouquet of beautiful flowers and handed them to me with what I think was "feel better Auntie Jackie." I can't be sure if thats what he said, but we all are aware that him handing me the flowers goes down as one of the most adorable and memorable moments in my whole life. Hospitals aren't fun for anyone, and seeing people you love in hooked up to machines and looking miserable is hard for anyone - especially for a 2 1/2 year old. Aaron was a trooper and held it together really well. Jenny was super supportive and checked in every day to make sure I was getting better.

All my family and friends continually called, texted, facebooked, etc to see if we needed anything. Knowing they were there was a great source of comfort both for me and for Paul and we couldn't have gotten through it without our system of support.

Finally, the medical staff at Swedish are just about the most caring and attentive folks on the planet. I was definitely there way longer than anyone anticipated, and significantly longer than anyone else on my floor. I tried to be a good patient, but I know I was a pain at times, and am just grateful for the excellent care I received while I was there.

So, there you have it. Nothing like a little brush with death, a couple of surgeries and a few nights in the hospital to give you a fresh perspective. I have never been one to take life for granted, and I have always knowns that life is fragile. This past week has really reinforced that and I am just truly appreciative for everything I have.

A Brand New Year

Well, tonight marks the start of the Jewish new year. Although I've said it before, I have never been quite as excited to put the past behind me and move towards better things that are sure to be ahead. The last 2+ months have been a roller coaster both physically and emotionally and I happy to be able to move forward and start fresh.

So, with that, I wish all my friends a very happy new year. May your year be as sweet as honey and full of love and happiness.

Positive Thoughts and Prayers

As if my last post wasn't cryptic enough, I'm posting another one. If ever someone has needed all the ju-ju they can get, it's me this morning. If possible, and you are thinking about it, send some good vibes my direction around 9:15 this morning. It would be greatly appreciated, and is much needed. In case I don't say it enough, I have amazing family and friends, and I am grateful for each and everyone of you every moment of every day. XOXO

Think Happy Thoughts

FYI - a slightly depressing, relatively vague post below. Feel free to disregrd, its more cathartic for me that it will be entertaining for you.

While I'm not really at liberty to share details, yesterday was a really tough day. I have an amazing support team with Paul, my mom, my sister, rabbis and a close group of terrific friends. But sometimes, its just not enough. I really thought I had been through the ringer enough the last two year, but evidentally, the big dude upstairs isn't done testing me. I know I will survive, and likely even be a stronger person because of it. Regardles, I am just always shocked at how hard life can be. I've learned to stop asking "how bad can it be" or "whats the worst that can happen?" Because no matter what I think of, it seems to happen.

One thing that is painfully aware to me is that the human heart is a very powerful thing in so many, many, many ways. Don't take anyone or anything for granted EVER. Every minute is precious, and I will always remember that.

Sorry for the uber vague post, but perhaps to some of you, its not that vague and you may actually know what's going on. If you don't, don't worry. Just know that I love you and your friendship and love means the world to me.